My nightmares-dream analysts welcome!

I've always had very vivid dreams. It's one thing I really appreciate about my mind-not only do I dream vividly, but I can generally recall the dream when I wake up. 

The only downside to vivid dreams is vivid nightmares. I haven't had a nightmare in awhile, but the last two nights I've had some pretty intense nightmares. All of them, as far as I can recall, took place either in my childhood home or in the town. Here is what I remember from one the of the first night's dreams:

I'm upstairs with some of my childhood friends, I go out into the hall (maybe someone was calling me) I go into the guest bedroom where there is a man and a woman. They ask me if I want to see some filming of Wallace and Gromit (great claymation movies, BTW). They seem like decent people so I walk towards the open door, unable to see what is in the closet until I turn the corner. Before stepping closer to them though I get paranoid-something doesn't feel right, but I proceed anyway. Things get a little fuzzy here, I think they grab me and I try to calmly tell them I don't want to be apart of this game. Fast forward and I'm running down the hall towards the backstairs with a zombie pursuing me. I run down the backstairs into the kitchen and am faced with a giant brown bear (and another deadly thing that I can't remember). They were moving pretty slowly, but I still had to choose which side to attack as there was no escape. I decide it'll be easier to take on one zombie rather than two other things. So I turn towards the zombie (conjured) knife in hand and take a slow stab to his skull. Fast forward and I am confronted with the couple again. I ask them what happens if I get caught by these nightmares and they say I'll be stuck here forever, and what if I kill them? The girl responds that they'd be stuck (I don't exactly remember what she says, but the main gist is if they died it wouldn't be good for them). The guy starts explaining something to me while a conjured polar bear (my next predator) is lying on a yellow loveseat as if paused in a game. The man turns away during his monologue, and in hopes of killing it before it comes to life, I stab the polar bear. The man turns around and notices the marks on the bear and laughs saying it doesn't count until the bear is alive. I then notice a set up game of Settlers of Catan on the table and implore the couple to play a game of that before we proceed. The girl gets enthusiastic saying Settlers is the best game ever and I gently wake up right after exclaiming "I know, right?". 

The next segment I remember:

My parents and I are at a lumber yard, they are driving a blue Subaru (not their normal car) and we come across another couple and for some reason it is decided that my dad and I will ride in the car with the husband and my mom and the wife will ride together. Anyways, as we're exiting the yard there is what seems to be a rogue piece of equipment driving around and I watch as my mom's car hits some loose lumber and rolls down the cliff onto the road we are on. I immediately fly out of the car to my mom's window-she is fine (thank God! ...or my subconscious), but she's stuck upside down by her seatbelt. I crawl into the car to hug her all the while thinking of the piece of equipment that could roll down on top of both of us. -then I wake up.-

Onto the next night:

I'm on the school bus riding home and out the window all I can see are dead headless people. There's hundreds of them. Headless bodies lying all over the place and monty-pythonesque wooden carts piled with dead headless bodies. I'm scared. The person cutting off these people's heads is after me. Fast forward, I'm in my childhood room. There's leaves and acorns all over my floor despite the windows being closed. It's dusk-the lighting very eerie, the air quite chilly. I realise the light is on and I immediately turn it off panicked. Apparently the house hasn't been occupied for awhile and I don't want anyone to know of my presence. I'm petrified to the bone, but I slowly crawl to the window to see if anyone noticed the light on. I look out and there is a suave man across the street leaning against his motorcycle with sunglasses on (and maybe a cig in his mouth). He's not looking up at the window which reassured me, but he was observing the house making me tremble in fear knowing he's seen the window. I quickly duck down to catch my breath. I look up again and see the red lights of the rear of his motorcycle as he drives away. ---There is more that I don't remember and I don't remember the moment that I wake up either... but this dream really creeped me out while the other ones really scared me. 

And that's all I remember. If anyone has any insights in dreams, I'd love your input. I'm having trouble analyzing them. I have a nightmare from my childhood that involves a glass house and a giant bear, so bears seem to be a theme. 

I hope I have a pleasant dream tonight, I'm a little nervous to go to sleep... 

Good night! 

Momento mori

XX

Being a woman in a masculine world (i.e. the gym)

I found a gym (cue applause) it is literally right around the corner from my apartment. It's called Space! Isn't that wonderful?

The gym itself is mostly full of buff boys grunting and sweating and classes full of women sweating and laughing out of pain and exhaustion. 

I feel this weird need to prove myself a super woman whenever I'm in a hyper masculine atmosphere. I like these classes, I have no idea what I'm doing in the gym and I plan on taking these classes until I can come up with my own workout regimes... it's just these classes are full of women (save one man!) it's such a contrast. You're either the only woman in the gym or the only man in a class. Why is that? These classes are hard! The one I took today we were deadlifting and bench pressing a bar. We squatted and lunged with this bar and then we dead lifted some more. I have no idea how I survived. My whole body is shaking from muscle exhaustion. I do feel stronger, if not a little sore... 

It's the same on the beach. Israelis play this game called matkot on the beach, it's essentially table tennis without the table and there is no winner-you just see how long you can keep the ball going. Every time I go to the beach, I bring matkot and play with people. I'm not great, I can't aim and slam the ball, nor can I return a fast ball, but I can keep it going for awhile.  I've noticed though that maybe one out of every 7 women players I see can actually hit the ball with some accuracy. It makes me self conscious. I don't know why... I just hate feeling like people are looking at me thinking "oh, she's not that good because she's a girl" or even worse "oh, she's pretty good for a girl." You can see the exasperated expression of all the male counterparts trying to be patient with this female newbie when all they want is to just play matkot. It embarrasses me for some reason, I feel like I have to prove myself and prove to every other male that women are good at this shit too, we just don't get as many opportunities to be introduced/practice to these silly hobbies. 

Anyway, I'm ranting. I know there are plenty of women that are beast at matkot, I just haven't seen many. 

I don't have much to say this time round... just: Woman power! We got this, ladies (and this goes to all you lady people, regardless of what society says about you)! We actually live in a woman's world, we've just accidentally let the man get too big of a head. We're reeling them in though, no worries :)

momento mori

xx

The Israel Life-Hack

It's been approximately 5 months since I've been in Israel. I have moved into my apartment and received my course schedule for the coming semester. I have my favorite places to read, hang out, and eat. I frequently lounge on the beach and I'm thoroughly delighted to be here.

Israel is a "westernized", and, in most cases, developed country. It is one of the top 'Start-Up' countries (an Israeli start-up created WhatsApp). Tel-Aviv is a bustling, colourful, and fun city. The people are open and smart. The culture here is different in a way that I don't necessarily notice it in everyday life, but when I think about it and when I step outside of the Tel-Aviv bubble, I can really sense what makes Israel Israel.

I went to a discussion tonight called "How to Hack the Israeli Culture". During a discussion of defining Israeli culture most people said aggressive. Not aggressive as in violent, but aggressive in the sense that everyone here is working in their best interest and in the interest of those they care for and will do whatever they can to succeed.
Israelis have this philosophy of "if you want something, ask for it". I had heard about it and never experienced it until I went to a yoga class one day. I chose a nice spot in the back corner where I'd have all the room to flail and fail in peace... apparently another guy had a similar thought in mind and he asked if I'd be willing to switch. Now, in the States, that normally wouldn't happen. First come-first serve. I got the spot first therefore it is my spot. Not here, people are straightforward and opinionated. They won't shy away from an argument and they will argue-yelling and all. And then hug it out with their adversary or join them in a friendly football match.

The overall gist of the discussion was to be authentic. Israeli's aren't professional or formal. Their small talk skips right over the weather and enters family life and dreams and life philosophies. They're not shy and their always willing to debate and question things. Israelis may seem aggressive and overly forward in their interactions, but overall they are an authentic, creative, and kind people...much like the rest of the world.

 It seems that every Israeli is confused about my moving here though. For them, unless you're Israeli or Jewish (and even then a non-Israeli Jew confounds the natives), they don't understand why you'd be here when you could be home (which is much more interesting than here). Despite this confusion, every encounter I've had has always been positive. They've been excited to share their culture and their world with me.

I hired a mover to help me move into my new apartment, I rode in the truck with him and the whole time we talked about the conflicts around the world. He also related to me the history of the street I live on and how the architecture has changed in the last twenty years.

I also had a taxi ride once where the driver wants to change the stigmas around mental illness in Israel (and ultimately the world). I'm having coffee with him on Monday to discuss the next steps towards achieving his dream. It was a stroke of luck that I got into his cab.

All in all, I have been utterly authentic to myself and to the people I encounter and it has, thus far, had a positive effect. It feels like I'm meant to be here. I felt this feeling when I first thought about moving here and it hasn't left me since I've arrived. I have been welcomed and encouraged. I've met some incredible people and have had many enlightening conversations. Israel is an amazing place and I am so grateful for every day that I spend here.

Momento mori
xx

For at least I know I'm free

16 years ago, I was 6 years old. I was in the first grade having a normal day when the phone rang.

Growing up, every time the phone rang in the classroom, I always prayed that it was my parents surprising me by picking me up early. When the teacher called my name saying my mom was here, I was ecstatic. I don't remember much about that day, just tidbits here and there. I remember walking down the halls of my school holding my mom's hand asking why I got to leave early and her response was "because it's the end of the world, and I wanted you home." I didn't quite understand what she meant, I was just happy to be going home.

When we finally got home, my parent's friend was sitting directly in front of the TV, crying. I didn't understand that either. I saw the smoke on the news, but my little mind that had only known peace and happiness didn't comprehend what was happening.

I don't remember anything else about that day. "It's the end of the world..."-for America, it certainly felt like it. Our freedom was being threatened. Our sisters and brothers lost. I didn't understand the gravity of the situation until a few years later.

9/11 is a day that has gone down in history.

Today is one of those days where every American reflects on what it means to be American.

Lately, I've struggled with my nationality. Being a traveler, claiming to be American has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Most introduction conversations go:

Stranger:"Where are you from?"
Me:"The States"
Stranger:"haha so.. [insert some joke about the new president]"
Me:*Awkward laughs* "yeah... that's the place"

There were times where I was ashamed to say I was American just because of how people react nowadays. When traveling, it's easy to pick out other Americans in a crowd. We're generally the loud ones. Pretty much anytime you can overhear a conversation due to its volume, it's Americans. I've wondered why that is... why are we so obnoxious?

And it really is freedom. The idea of freedom is embedded into our culture. Even though most of those living in the United States aren't truly free, we are more free than many other countries in the world (less free than others). The word "freedom" rings in every classroom and on every media outlet. We were founded on the idea of freedom-we still have a long way to go before we truly achieve it, but America screams freedom to people who don't have it. This sense of freedom gives us confidence which makes us loud and proud.

My parents raised me to understand freedom. They supported my every decision and tried not to hover over me. I grew up being able to do what I wanted to do and be who I wanted to be. That's the only way to grow as a human-to explore yourself and your surroundings. You can't do that when a government or parent or power of any kind is governing your every move.

We are eccentric people, Americans. We can wear what we want to wear, say what we want to say, be who we want to be and even when people judge us or try to change us, we don't have to listen to them because we know we are free. Every human is free, we are all free! Being human means free will-the freedom to choose-freedom to be free. We are being oppressed by the power hungry, but we are still free. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Never forget you are free-wherever you are.

My passport allows me to go to virtually every corner of the Earth without question and in every corner of the Earth you'll meet an American (and probably a German).

It's interesting meeting other people and telling them I'm American... once we get past the Trump jokes they want to hear what it's actually like there. At first, I was very cynical in explaining America today. I would tell them it's not that great, people of colour are still being shot just because of their skin, there are people that still believe in slavery. Women don't have nearly as many rights as men. I get catcalled and stalked in America more than I do here, in Israel. I was negative because I'm angry. The reality of America is not reflecting the America I grew up loving.

I'm still angry at the state of the States, but even those of us who are upset cannot deny that being American (no matter your colour or creed) is a privilege. Every single American is privileged to be American and if that's not apparent with the DACA bullshit that's happening you need to take a look at the countries we are forcing these people back to or the countries we are denying refugees from.

Yes, there are injustices, yes we are far from perfect. However, the unity that this division has created is powerful and heartwarming. Look at the discussions that are happening in college classrooms and on front porches and the creativity we are using to fight the good fight. We are all in this together.

We can do this because we are free.

And that's the importance of today. Even though we were threatened and struck down- we stood up- Together. We were all united that day in love and peace.

Momento mori
xx

Momento Mori

Here I am. Telling myself I'll have the discipline to keep a daily blog. I don't know why it has always been so daunting for me to write everyday.. It's as if the second I make it a requirement my mind refuses to do it even if it is my idea!

I've always had this mentality, just ask my parents. I won't do anything I have to do, I only do what I want which, I believe, has helped me understand what makes me happy and what doesn't, but it has also affected my studies and my professional life.

I enjoy writing. Everyday I think of at least three new things to write about and yet, I never do. Maybe now that I am entering my graduate program in conflict resolution and mediation, I'll have a little more discipline.

For those of you that don't know, I have moved to Tel-Aviv, Israel to pursue my masters at Tel-Aviv University. I've decided on Conflict Resolution, mostly because I am angry at the state of the world and I would like to learn the vocabulary and the skills to help it.

Although my ultimate dream has been, and always will be, to go to space, I already feel guilty leaving the United States with the tension that has bubbled up, I can't even imagine my emotional state leaving my own planet. I hope that the lessons I learn and the experiences I gain during this next year will help me to join the fight for peace. Plus, one does not simply go to space...

Space... that's what we need to be studying and discussing. We're all humans in this vast unknown. We need to study our world and our surroundings rather than fighting each other.

Momento mori- remember you will die. I carry this phrase with me whenever I feel aggression or misunderstanding towards my surroundings or someone. We're all temporary and even if you consider that thought morbid or uncomfortable, everyone needs to remember that.  I hope to never negatively affect someone when I have control over it. Momento mori, so make your life good and spread goodness.

We are just visiting. Our time in this time is limited, so why are we killing each other and our planet? Why aren't we exploring?

Exploration--of the sea, of the Earth, of the Universe! That's what we need to focus on.

Imagine during the Cold War, instead of the Soviet Union and the United States racing each other to space and the moon, they sat down and worked together. What would space travel be like today if political tensions didn't exist? Put all the world's math and science nerds in a lab together and see what magic happens.

Peace through exploration. Peace through understanding what is out there beyond our atmosphere. Peace through curiosity.


Let's work together.

Momento mori.
xx